[joinee_doug]

joinee_doug, on 6 May 2009, 11:50 PM, said:

You're a fool to be a pyrite

or something

"This mineral's metallic luster and pale-to-normal, brass-yellow hue have earned it the nickname fool's gold due to its resemblance to gold."

My poor attempt at a rockhounding joke.

[Mr Phil]

I got it, Doug.

It's okay.

Everything's going to be okay.

[KTxxx]

Mr Phil, on 7 May 2009, 08:44 AM, said:

I got it, Doug.

It's okay.

Everything's going to be okay.

sorry doug I didnt really get the joke

anyway i am sensing thread jacking ...oi thread jackers

[The Bear]

I got it too. Does that make me a rockhounding geek too?

[Angel Moon]

I got it too. That must clearly make us geniuses

[Joinee Hathorn]

You mean ig(e)neous's?

[Mr Phil]

Joinee Hathorn, on 7 May 2009, 12:21 PM, said:

You mean ig(e)neous's?

It's sedimentary, dear Watson.

[/holmesfail]

[Joinee Hathorn]

Yes, that's (Py)right!

[Mr Phil]

Joinee Hathorn, on 7 May 2009, 12:51 PM, said:

Yes, that's (Py)right!

No! It's wrong! It's not sedimentary! You fell into my trap! Despite my clearly stating its incorrect status!

It's not elementary, either. It's, er, ... compoundary?

[KTxxx]

Mr Phil, on 7 May 2009, 12:55 PM, said:

No! It's wrong! It's not sedimentary! You fell into my trap! Despite my clearly stating its incorrect status!

It's not elementary, either. It's, er, ... compoundary?

erm im slightly confused

[Joinee Hathorn]

We do our best to please...or bewilder

[PJ Hannah B-R]

I got it too Doug.

And then I got cross with your spelling of lustre.

[Mr Phil]

GJ Hannah B-R, on 7 May 2009, 04:49 PM, said:

I got it too Doug.

And then I got cross with your spelling of lustre.

American spelling, dear.

It's alright.

Everything's going to be alright.

[The Bear]

Mr Phil, on 7 May 2009, 04:57 PM, said:

American spelling, dear.

It's alright.

Everything's going to be alright.

Ooooooooo, she's gonna kick your ass for that one Phil!

[joinee_doug]

I apologize. I copied that quote out of Wikipedia, and it looked okay; normally, I'll correct the mis-spellings before I post. Nevertheless, I have let you down, and I can only offer my humble apologies.

[PJ Hannah B-R]

Stop throwing your silly z's at me Douglas!

[Joinee Hathorn]

joinee_doug, on 7 May 2009, 05:15 PM, said:

I apologize. I copied that quote out of Wikipedia, and it looked okay; normally, I'll correct the mis-spellings before I post. Nevertheless, I have let you down, and I can only offer my humble apologies.

If americans use z in apoligize, why not use apologiez?

[joinee_doug]

I'm sorry. But so is Brenda Lee.

[KTxxx]

Joinee Hathorn, on 7 May 2009, 04:28 PM, said:

We do our best to please...or bewilder

well its worked because i have totally no idea why all of a sudden we are discussing american spelling

[Joinee Hathorn]

Back to bad jokes then?

A normal piece of grey tarmac walks into a bar and orders a drink. The barman says 'sorry, but we don't serve tarmac in here'. The tarmac leaves.

The next day, the same piece of tarmac walks into the bar and orders a drink. The barman says 'I thought I told you yesterday, we don't serve tramac in here?' The tarmac leaves.

The next day the same piece of tarmac walks into the bar and orders a drink. The barman again refuses to serve him. Just as he is about to leave a red piece of tarmac walks into the bar and orders a drink. The barman serves him. The first piece of tarmac says to the barman'I thought you said you didn't serve tarmac?', 'yes' says the barman, 'But I'm hardly going to refuse him, he's a bloomin' cyclepath?!'.

[Joinee Evilrhian]

A duck walks into a bar and asks 'Got any bread?'
The barman replies 'No, this is a bar' so the duck leaves
Next day the duck goes back. 'Got any bread?' The barman replies 'I told you yesterday, this is a bar, we don't have any bread!' so the duck leaves
The next day, at the usual time, the duck walks into the bar. 'Got any bread?' The barman shouts 'I've sick of telling you, this is a bar, we have no bread! You come in here and ask that one more time and I'll nail your beak to the bar!' So the duck leaves
The following day, the duck walks into the bar. 'Got any nails?' The barman looks confused 'No. Why?'
'Good times' says the duck 'Got any bread?'

[Joinee Hathorn]

Apparently this is a popular Dutch joke....

The baker see's a rabbit looking in the window of his shop, so he opens the door and asks if he can help. The Rabbit asks 'Do you have any Carrot cake?', the baker says he doesn't, the rabbit hops off.

The next day the baker see's the same rabbit looking in the window, so opens the door and ask's him again if he can help. Again the Rabbit asks 'Do you have any Carrot cake?', the baker says he doesn't, the rabbit hops off.

The same thing happens every day for a fortnight, so the Baker decides to bake a carrot cake for the rabbit.

The next day the baker see's the same rabbit looking in the window, so opens the door and ask's him again if he can help. Again the Rabbit asks 'Do you have any Carrot cake?', the baker says 'yes' and shows him the biggest most delicious carrot cake you have ever seen, 'would you like to buy some?' asks the baker.

'Urgh, No' says the rabbit 'that stuff tastes revolting' and hops off.

...I can't help thinking that it must lose something in the translation

[Mr Phil]

Oh, well, if we're going for that sort of joke...

A chicken goes into a library, approaches the counter, and says, "Bk!"

The librarian gives him a book and the chicken leaves.

Fifteen minutes later the same chicken comes in, hands the book back to the librarian, and says, "Bk!"

The librarian's a little confused, but gives the chicken another book, and the chicken leaves again.

Sure enough, 15 minutes later, the chicken comes in and hands that book back. "Bk!"

The librarian hands over another book, and the chicken leaves.

The librarian decides she's going to follow the chicken next time. It's unusual behaviour, and she's curious as to what the chicken is doing in those fifteen minute intervals.

So, when the chicken comes back in and exchanges the book after another 15 minutes ("Bk!"), the librarian quietly follows the chicken out onto the street...

... down the road...

... onto a footpath ...

... into a field ...

... to a pond in the bottom corner.

"Bk!" says the chicken, presenting the book to a frog.

"Reddit!"

[drain slug]

hmm ok here goes its best if you put on a german SS accent monty python style

There were two peanuts walking down a street and one was a salted

[PJ Hannah B-R]

That reminds of "hev you heard the one about the gestapo"
(no)

"LIAR"

(again...works best with thick German accent...)

This post has been edited by GJ Hannah B-R: 12 May 2009 - 03:24 PM

[drain slug]

or the always classic..

a man walked into the bar
















OW!

[Joinee Wilkins]

How many Vietnam vets does is take to change a lightbulb?



You don't know cos you weren't there, Man!

[joinee Éli]

The Bear, on 1 May 2009, 05:39 PM, said:

EXTRA POLICE OFFICERS FOR FUTURE G20 PROTESTS WANTED

.....come early and beat the crowd.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Gold Joinee Mhairi, on 1 May 2009, 09:07 PM, said:

'I-still-love-easter-baby' - say it fast.

oOOOOOOOOOoooooh! hehe fun-ny!

[joinee Éli]

Joinee Wilkins, on 13 May 2009, 01:13 AM, said:

How many Vietnam vets does is take to change a lightbulb?



You don't know cos you weren't there, Man!

hehehehehehe

[dazface]

In a birthday card -

*Picture of 3 football players in a car* A Leicester player, a Leeds player and a Newcastle player in a car, who's driving?

A policeman

This post has been edited by dazface: 13 May 2009 - 11:03 PM

[KTxxx]

dazface, on 14 May 2009, 12:03 AM, said:

In a birthday card -

*Picture of 3 football players in a car* A Leicester player, a Leeds player and a Newcastle player in a car, who's driving?

A policeman

haha

[joinee_doug]

A hippie walks into a bar and asks 'Got any bread, man?'
The barman replies 'No, this is a bar' so the hippie leaves.
Next day the hippie goes back. 'Got any bread, man?'
The barman replies 'I told you yesterday, this is a bar, we don't have any bread!' so the hippie leaves.
The next day, at the usual time, the hippie walks into the bar. 'Got any bread, man?'
The barman shouts 'I've sick of telling you, this is a bar, we have no bread! You come in here and ask that one more time and I'll nail your beads to the bar!' So the hippie leaves.
The following day, the hippie walks into the bar. 'Got any nails, man?' The barman looks confused 'No. Why?'
'Far out, man', says the hippie. 'Hey, man, have you seen my duck?'

This post has been edited by joinee_doug: 17 May 2009 - 12:18 AM

[Joinee Evilrhian]

I see what you did there, Doug!

[drain slug]

Three Boy Scouts, a lawyer, a priest, and a pilot are in a plane that is about to crash. 
The pilot says "Well, we only have 3 parachutes, let's give them to the 3 Boy Scouts. They are young and have their whole lives in front of them" 
The lawyer says "f*%& the Boy Scouts!" 
The priest says, "Do we have time?"

[Poohbah (Gsq)]

SJ Dandy David, on 2 May 2009, 05:44 PM, said:

well Im glad someone gets the arny jokes hmm well i think that must make you clever and not old
I-still-love-Easter-baby = Hasta la vista, baby (The Terminator)

...
ok i think the common theme is that me (the judge) should not be allowed to judge because when it comes to jokes it seems i can be very dumb...

so any1 get this joke?
Sand would run through the pitchfork, but you can chuck babies around perfectly easily with one.

Nice one, Ben.

Our very own Zorst!!!!! "Ahh... if you don't get it, just forget it!"


Ooo I gots a Belgian joke too:

Why do ducks have webbed feet? For stamping out fires

Why do elephants have big feeet? For stamping out burning ducks!



Belgians are weird

[GJ Dandy David]

Silver Poohbah, on 17 May 2009, 08:04 PM, said:

Our very own Zorst!!!!! "Ahh... if you don't get it, just forget it!"


Ooo I gots a Belgian joke too:

Why do ducks have webbed feet? For stamping out fires

Why do elephants have big feeet? For stamping out burning ducks!



Belgians are weird

I was sympathising.
It's normally mee that doesn't get the jokes!

[KTxxx]

SJ Dandy David, on 17 May 2009, 11:31 PM, said:

I was sympathising.
It's normally mee that doesn't get the jokes!

lol i went to begium once it was nice but holland is the oddest place ever

[joineecleary]

what's a shitzu?

one without penguins
(say shitzu out loud if you dont get it)


how does Liam Gallagher like his soup?

doesn't matter, as long as there's a Roll With It

This post has been edited by joineecleary: 10 June 2009 - 04:29 PM

[KTxxx]

joineecleary, on 10 Jun 2009, 05:28 PM, said:

what's a shitzu?

one without penguins
(say shitzu out loud if you dont get it)


how does Liam Gallagher like his soup?

doesn't matter, as long as there's a Roll With It

i like the gallagher joke i reckon that is one of the best

[joineecleary]

yay, the judge approves of my jokes! have another (it's from Vicar of Dibley)

there are two nuns driving in a car, and suddenly a vampire jumps infront of the car.
they stop and one says to the other, "quick, Sister, show him your cross!"
she leans out the window and shouts "get out of the way, you toothy git!!"

[emma]

what do you call a square testicle?
























A cubicle!

a-thank you

[Chairman 'Jamin]

Ha ha ha!


what's brown and sticky?


A stick.

[KTxxx]

emma, on 22 July 2009 - 12:16 AM, said:

what do you call a square testicle?

very funny

[Joinee Hollis]

A man goes into his doctors and says

I have confidence issues, I find it difficult to pronounce words

Doctor nods and says 'well sir, say five words beginning with P'

Man thinks then says 'park, puddle, photo, plant and day'

Doctor looks confused and says 'day doesn't start with a P'

Man shugs and says 'mine does'

[SJ Lipinski]

Alot of funny jokes! (Hello again by the way everyone, long time since i've been around!)

What's a wok?

It's what you thwow at wabbits when your wifle wuns out of bullets

[SJ Del (The Train Man)]

I was wondering whether she had an inherited disorder, but it was actually just Maybelline...

This post has been edited by Del aka TrainMan: 22 September 2009 - 09:26 AM

[joinee_doug]

What did one eye say to the other?
"Between you and me, something smells."

[KTxxx]

joinee_doug, on 24 September 2009 - 09:39 PM, said:

What did one eye say to the other?
"Between you and me, something smells."

funny

so you are funny people - all off you are funnny

[Joinee Bonathan]

I found out today I'm suffering from Gammon Flu, before I had Swine Flu but I went to the doctor and he cured me.

[Joinee John 1703]

I had a dog called "Minton"

He used to eat shuttlecocks

Bad Minton