[Fab Loud SMJ YDMFreshmaker]

All across the kingdom, the news travelled quickly that the Queen’s bell-ringer, who faithfully served the royal family for decades, had passed. The Queen made the royal decree that she was looking for someone to come and take his place.

The next day, a humble peasant was first in the long line of applicants for the job. “My Queen,” he entreated her, “since I was a youth, I have always wanted to serve our kingdom and the royal family in this way. Let me be your bell-ringer, and I will serve in earnest all the days of my life.”

The Queen appreciated the peasant’s words, but was puzzled. “My humble servant, I have but one question: how can you serve the kingdom as the royal bell-ringer? You don’t have any arms!”

The peasant smiled and said simply, “Take me to the tower and I will show you.”

The Queen, her entourage, and the peasant climbed the steps of the bell tower until they reached the top. The peasant looked over his shoulder at the queen, “Behold!” And with that, the peasant ran to the far side of the room, spun around and ran directly at the bell. Faster and faster he ran then leapt, flew through the air, and–WHAM!–hit the bell full-force with his face.

Stunned, the Queen hesitated. But, when she heard the bell peal as never before, she told the peasant, “the position is yours.”

Weeks went by as the peasant served faithfully and punctually, and always in the same way: he would run across the room, spin around, charge directly at the bell, leap, and–WHAM!–hit the bell full-force with his face.

Until, that is, one fateful morning when the peasant woke up late. Certain he could still make it in time, he ran from his common home, tore across the kingdom, scrambled up the tower, across the room, spun, leapt and…missed the bell entirely! He instead flew across the room, out the nearby window and plummeted a thousand feet to his death.

Having heard the commotion, the castle guards ran upstairs to find the empty room. They looked out the window to find a crowd gathering around the peasant’s body. The one guard looks at each other and says, “My God–that poor man! Have you any idea who he is?”

The other “I don’t know, but his face rings a bell.”

[joinee cutler]

i dont think i saw this one on here, sorry if it is and i missed it, sounds like somthing i would do

anyway..

what did the slug say to the snail??





big issue mate!?

This post has been edited by joinee cutler: 02 January 2010 - 08:30 PM

[Kariod]

A guy visits Amsterdam and whilst there meets and fall in love with a young lady. He moves in with her and gets a job, which means he is out all day and the girlfriend is lonely. She asks if he will buy her a pet.
"Sure" he says, "What sort of pet do you want?"
"I want something typical of Holland" she replies.

Next day he goes into town and finds a pet shop.
"I want a pet for my girlfriend - typical of Holland"
The shopkeeper scratches his head and says " mmmmm - can't think what - but I have some lovely French Poodle pups"
"No thanks" says the man, and leaves.

At next pet shop he asks the same question.
The shop owner is just as puzzled and says "Can't think what to suggest - but I have some wonderful German Shepherd dog pups"

"No, thanks" says our man, and leaves somewhat down-hearted.

At the next shop, he asks the same question, and again, the shopkeeper is perplexed.
"Something typical of Holland??? No, I can't think of anything - but how about these lovely Brazilian parakeets?"

"No, thanks" says our man, and leaves even more worried than before.

At the last pet shop in Amsterdam, he goes in, asks the same question, and gets a similar answer.
"I have some beautiful Irish Setter puppies"

"No, thanks" says the man, and leaves the shop. He turns to look in the window as he leaves, and sees a gorgeous cat sunning itself in the corner.

He dashes back and asks the shopkeeper.............................................................................


EXCUSE ME...............HOW DUTCH IS THAT MOGGIE IN THE WINDOW ?

[Kariod]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

[Kariod]

Benitez sent scouts out around the world looking for a new striker to replace Michael Owen who had gone to Newcastle.

One of the scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Anfield.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Man Utd
with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on the field he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the lad comes off the pitch, he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football
. "Hello mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won.

Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me".

"Wonderful," says his mum. "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters while you were having a great time!"

With this news, the young lad is very upset. "What can I say mum, except I'm so sorry".

"Sorry!" exclaims his mum. "It's your fault we all moved to Liverpool in the first place!"

[joinee_doug]

Hat trick for Kariod!

[Kariod]

Thank you kind sir, I'm here all week

[Mr Phil]

Kariod, on 17 September 2010 - 09:53 PM, said:

A guy visits Amsterdam and whilst there meets and fall in love with a young lady. He moves in with her and gets a job, which means he is out all day and the girlfriend is lonely. She asks if he will buy her a pet.
"Sure" he says, "What sort of pet do you want?"
"I want something typical of Holland" she replies.

Next day he goes into town and finds a pet shop.
"I want a pet for my girlfriend - typical of Holland"
The shopkeeper scratches his head and says " mmmmm - can't think what - but I have some lovely French Poodle pups"
"No thanks" says the man, and leaves.

At next pet shop he asks the same question.
The shop owner is just as puzzled and says "Can't think what to suggest - but I have some wonderful German Shepherd dog pups"

"No, thanks" says our man, and leaves somewhat down-hearted.

At the next shop, he asks the same question, and again, the shopkeeper is perplexed.
"Something typical of Holland??? No, I can't think of anything - but how about these lovely Brazilian parakeets?"

"No, thanks" says our man, and leaves even more worried than before.

At the last pet shop in Amsterdam, he goes in, asks the same question, and gets a similar answer.
"I have some beautiful Irish Setter puppies"

"No, thanks" says the man, and leaves the shop. He turns to look in the window as he leaves, and sees a gorgeous cat sunning itself in the corner.

He dashes back and asks the shopkeeper.............................................................................


EXCUSE ME...............HOW DUTCH IS THAT MOGGIE IN THE WINDOW ?

Hooray!

[Kariod]

I love daft jokes like those 3, those have stayed with me for years.

[joineecleary]

What's this for?

[joinee_doug]

Not really a joke, in fact I'm not even sure it's that amusing. (If you don't know, beer coolies are those foam rubber jobbies you put on your beer can to keep it cold/provide a grip).

beer coolie - On Sale Now
Free Shipping On Orders Over $49, Hurry & Order Your Supplies Today!
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[joinee_doug]

A priest, a minister and a rabbi decided to go camping. While out in the woods, they got into a discussion about who was best at their job. So they decided that the only way to find out was to each find a bear and try to convert it. They agree to meet up at the campfire at the end of the day and compare successes.
Come dinnertime, they meet up again. Father Pat boasts, "Well, I found a bear, all right. I read to him from the Catechism, and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion."
Brother Billy-Saul answered, "Well, I done all right, too. I found a big ol' cuss down t' the river. I preached the Holy Word, and would'n'cha know, he was so mesmerized that I was able to baptize him."
About then, they hear an awful racket, and Rabbi Isaac stumbles into the clearing, his clothes torn, cuts and bruises all over his body, and missing a decent-sized chunk of earlobe. He catches his breath after a minute and starts his tale. "Well, looking back, maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision..."

(ed:sp)

This post has been edited by joinee_doug: 06 April 2011 - 11:15 PM

[joinee_doug]

Knock knock

Who's there?

Interrupting sheep

Interrup-

BAAAAAAAAAA!

[joinee_doug]

Barman says, "We don't serve time travellers here"


Time traveller walks into a bar

This post has been edited by joinee_doug: 24 August 2011 - 09:44 PM

[Poohbah (Gsq)]

...I wonder if I inspired that from the other thread? I had to triple read it to make sure it actually DID say 'time' before 'traveller' that time..!

Also, I am *SO* telling the interrupting sheep joke at work tomorrow. I Doug, as ever.

[joinee_doug]

Poohbah (Gsq), on 24 August 2011 - 10:19 PM, said:

...I wonder if I inspired that from the other thread? I had to triple read it to make sure it actually DID say 'time' before 'traveller' that time..!

You caught me.

(But to be honest, I swiped it from a few months ago on a different forum. And, in a way, projected it into the future... )

[Daniel H]

those oxygen masks are like a breath of fresh air arent they??

This post has been edited by Daniel H: 19 September 2011 - 06:01 PM

[Joinee Michelle]

joineecleary, on 03 October 2010 - 09:10 PM, said:

What's this for?

Not sure but have you seen this one?




1