[Joinee Parkin]

Here it is folks, the magnum opus that is “The Quotes Book Thread.”

In some kind of chronological order, starting on Friday morning:

Laura Plumb texting me as we were leaving Brum for Nottingham:
“What time are you getting into Brum?”

Jo to Phil Hatchard:
“That shirt looks like a maths book.”

Jamie to Laura: “You look like you’ve been giving Papa Smurf a tit-wank.”

Biddle to Phil Cooke:
“You’ll have ginger pubes – your crotch will look like Cyril Sneer.”

Alexandra about a duck:
”It looks like he’s been head#!$&ing someone on their period.”

Biddle to Spaca Monkey:
“It’s like a baby being strangled. Do it again.”

Biddle on buying a £25 bottle of champagne at Wetherspoons:
“It was an accident.”

Jo (context unknown – fill me in someone!)
“Nice hole, where are you headed, Australia?

Zena to Matt in Market Square, on the megaphone:
“Mr. Fowler, you are wearing your hat at a pleasingly jaunty angle.”

Woman on RAOK walk:
“Just don’t make eye contact!”

And now, a few drinks later, on Friday evening . .

Mrs. Jamin to me, Mhairi and HBR:
“I’m quite drunk, so I’m going to talk to you about bikini waxing.”

Sheli to Spanna and Ang, with a mouthful of hot cross bun:
“I’ve just found out I don’t like hot cross buns!”

My personal favourite:
Me, on discovering a bottle of conditioner had leaked in my bag:
“Eugh, it feels like someone’s come in my bag.”
Mrs. Jamin: “I thought I recognised that smell.”
And later, trying to defend herself.
“No, I meant I recognised the smell as being Charles Worthington.”
Me: “So you even remember who it was?!”

HBR:
“Emily just threw me a look that said ‘ooh, I thought you’d be a bucket.’ “

Mrs. Jamin again:
“I thought that was another staircase over there, but I’ve just realised it’s a mirror.”

Craig to Donna and Shaun:
“Are you two sisters?”

Sheli to Sweeney:
“You don’t make me happy. You make my arse hurt.”

Biddle:
“I’m Elliot Biddle.”
Mhairi: “No you’re not. You’re a #!$&.”


And onto Saturday at the footy . . .

Laura arriving at the footy match:
“We’ve got booze!”
Mhairi:
“Can I have some?”


Sheli:
“Why are they standing around? They’re not playing rugby union.”

Me to Rushton after a good move on the footy field:
“Played, Tom!”
Mrs. J:
“Did Tom do something?”

Sheli: “We’re easing you in gently, Wilf.”

Sheli to Stooz after a bit of showboating:
“It looks very pretty. Shame about your face.”

Team North’s cheerleaders, after Phil Cooke’s brother scored our first goal:
“We love you Jamie, we do, We love you Jamie, we do, We love you Jamie, we do, Ohhh Jamie we love you!”
Phil: “His name’s Alex.”#

Morpheus:
“Is it wrong that I want to go and play on the swings? Is it also wrong that my bum is wet?”
Jamie: “Your bum’s only wet ‘cause you’re thinking of playing on the swings.”

Phil Cooke offering Irn-Bru during half-time:
“Take the magic juice!”

Nick Lipinski: “Sorry, I didn’t hear you. I had a northern girl shouting in my ear.”
Jo: “It’ll be the only time you hear that!”

Morpheus on several occasions to team north players:
“Take his legs!”

Shaun Jo and Richard at all-you-can-eat restaurant:
“There’s PICK ‘N’ MIX!”

Jo and Shel on Morpheus:
“Richard’s the daddy!”

Laura to Shaun and Wilf running:
“You haven’t eaten enough!”



And remnants from Saturday night . . .

Zena to Warren: “Go to Rock City and find a pretty girl.”
Warren: IT’S NOT THAT SIMPLE!

Jo to Phil: “Don’t you think from this distance that burlesque dancer looks like a filthy Mrs. J?”

Phil Cooke: ”Leave me alone, I’m perving.”

Morpheus on being refused entry at Rock City:
”I can’t believe they won’t let me in with cuff links, even though I have pierced testicles.”

Jamie on Warren singing the “I love horses” song:
“Has someone shaved Toby?”

Sheli to Shaun:
“You tried to BUM him?”

Mhairi to me:
”Rachel, I just licked your boyfriend, and he wiped it off!”

Scott: “It’s pink, it must be mine.”

Scott:
“People are giving me funny looks.”
Jo:
Nottingham isn’t ready for a Scott in Pink.”

I have no clue about this one:
Jo: “Whip my beef in the middle of the room?”
Chorus: “Sivar threw it”

Mark giving Vik a romantic spiel:
“I’d treat you right. I wouldn’t be sick on you.”


Biddle to Mark:
“There’s no police car in your house, I’ve been!”

Jo to a police woman about Biddle:
“Yes, it is his real name.”

Jo:
“It was brilliant. Mhairi snores like she’s hunting something, and Scott snores like he’s #!$&ing something.”

Scott to Neil Collins:
“That’s the first time I’ve ever used you.”

Warren: “I’ve got a giant penis.”

Biddle: “Hmmm, I’m remarkably flaccid!”

Biddle again: “You do know I’m a wanker, don’t you?”

Mhairi: I miss my voice. Every #!$&ing GGF.”

Kieran: “What does it say? ‘I like gay Lenin’?”

Alexandra: “I haven’t been this tired since Gay Pride.”

Jo: “Apparently there’s a fit girl in Switzerland – don’t tell Scott!”
Kieran: “he subscribes to a newsletter!”
Mark:” Where can I get this newsletter?”

Warren: “All I know about love I learnt from Girls Aloud.”

Scott to Jo: “Do you want a real man?”
The same: “You poor woman.”

Mrs. J. to Mr. J. regarding his “YOUR MUM” t-shirt:
“You are going to take that T-shirt off before we see mum?”

Wilf to Warren: “Honestly Warren, I could live quite happily without you munching my knob.”

Vik: “I was top of Mark’s list, then as the night went on I realised I was slipping down to third place. Then I found out I wasn’t even on the first list!”

Del: “The best weekend I’ve had in years”

Toby: “Smash the rabbit in his big brown face!”

Mark: “There were pretty girls in my bed and I didn’t get to sleep with any of them!”

Toby: “I want to eat Elliot.”

Everyone at some point:
“Ah, my legs!”
“High five!”
“All right?”


My work here is done.

Good night.
Love you. xxx

[HRH Gold Joinee Sheli]

Brilliant

Although.... why did Jo have to confirm Elliotts name to a police officer?!!?!?

[Joinee Parkin]

I've just remembered another from the pub near the Join Me Forest on Sunday;

Shaun talking with uncontainalbe glee about the emporium that is Home Bargain:

"It's like a . . . shop . . . .and they've just got like . . . . loads of . . . . . . .stuff!"

[Joinee Rufous]

SRJ Parkin, on 9 Apr 2007, 10:25 AM, said:

Warren: “All I know about love I learnt from Girls Aloud.”

Yet more proof that Warren and Phillips are somehow related

"Everything I know about love, I learned from Lord of the Rings:The Two Towers" : Phillips to me at GGF 2005, (over and over and over again...)

[Mr Phil]

On Friday morning:

Mhairi: "I've give five pounds to the first person to go and get me a glass of water."

Hannah gets up to go.

Jamie: "Can I have one too?"

Hannah: "That'll be a fiver, darling. I've got rates now."

Me: "Ooh, you'll want some cream for that."





Oh, and in the middle of Thursday night, SiVar by text:

"For the love of God and all that is good in the world, CAN EVERYONE STOP #!$&ING SNORING!"



Oh, and me at the bar on Thursday evening, when we were talking about how much we were spending:

"But it's okay, look. I've given her a piece of paper, and in return she's given me a pint of beer and some pieces of metal. I'm making a net profit. And you've just given him a piece of paper, and he's not only given you some beer and pieces of metal, but you've got another piece of paper!"




I'm so self-absorbed, I can only remember the things I said.

[SJ Del (The Train Man)]

Amanda (keen Joinee) in the Malt Cross:
'I think I learnt something last week. But I can't remember...'

[Thomas]

Biddle to myself upon arriving at the Market Square on Friday, and noticing my particularly bright pink polo shirt:

"Tom! You're looking very Thomas Cook today!"

[Lethal Biddle]

Agent Redlocks, on 9 Apr 2007, 10:00 AM, said:

Brilliant

Although.... why did Jo have to confirm Elliotts name to a police officer?!!?!?

I found a drivers license & went to hand it in. I was drunk and decided to give my full name & the police woman didn't believe me.

[Joinee Bonathan]

LSJ Biddle (ga), on 9 Apr 2007, 09:06 PM, said:

I found a drivers license & went to hand it in. I was drunk and decided to give my full name & the police woman didn't believe me.

Thats the problem with being a legend!!!!!

[Hebba Homemaker]

Amanda and Toby talking at the football:
Amanda: "I don't know wether I should support the south because I love Hugh Grant"

Amanda: "hugh Grant would be welcome in my house anytime"
Toby: "He'd nick your telly"


Me: "I've only ever watched the Di Vinci Code on pirate dvd"
Sivar: "ooh arr! There be writing in the blood o that ther man o'er them ther paintins!"

Mhairi: what did you say in the car park that cos us all to explode in laughter and nearly crash I can no longer remember!


Mark: "We named her Dharma before Lost came on"
Sivar: "so you took the initiative?"

[Hebba Homemaker]

After the football

Andy to Wilf

"I'll give 24peaks £50 if you streak"

Wilf to Andy

"I'll donate £50 if you streak"

Neither did! THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!!!

[SJ Del (The Train Man)]

Holly: 'SMELL MY GIN!'

[Kneller2]

Alexandra: "That statue looks like a giant butt plug"

[Joinee Varwell]

SRJ Parkin, on 9 Apr 2007, 12:35 AM, said:

I have no clue about this one:
Jo: “Whip my beef in the middle of the room?”
Chorus: “Sivar threw it”

It was "why's my boot in the middle of the room?"

I'd thrown it at Mhairi as part of my Thursday night rampage of violence and oppression against the snorers in my room.

Sorry Mhairi.

[Silver SV Joinee Jo]

Richard to Heather - 'I've poisoned you twice and it's only 6pm!'

Me on thursday 'I can see the words 'long-suffering' popping up a lot this weekend.'

How very cassandraic.

Oh and Elliot saying to the Rock city bouncer 'But I'm ironically metal!'

This post has been edited by Souper Joinee Jo: 10 April 2007 - 01:10 PM

[Gold Joinee Mhairi]

Hebs, this is what happened in the car park:


Woman on car park ticket booth telecom to man in car stuck behind barrier: "is it stuck in the machine sir?"

Me: "look, i tried thinking about my gran, but it won't go down, i can't help it, i see a slot, i have to stick it in, it's a compulsion"

Heather: *stops car in middle of car park* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[DG Joinee NEMESIS]

Souper Joinee Jo, on 10 Apr 2007, 12:57 PM, said:

Richard to Heather - 'I've poisoned you twice and it's only 6pm!'

I'd SO forgotten that one - Sorry AGAIN heather.

additional

Moprheus on warren wanting to put his hand up my arse

"i'd look like a massive glove puppet"


:-o

[HRH Gold Joinee Sheli]

OO

being told by amanda and phil hatchard and someone else.. That my arm and shoulder smelled like mini-eggs, and my forehead smelled like parma violets

then the next day amanda telling me my hair smelled like fruit loops!

I cant remember my reaction..

[Au Joinee Rory]

Agent Redlocks, on 10 Apr 2007, 09:45 PM, said:

then the next day amanda telling me my hair smelled like fruit loops!

I cant remember my reaction..

That was me on Thursday. It was after you demanded that I "sniff" you.

I'm not sure there's much I can add that might explain the situation...

[HRH Gold Joinee Sheli]

oh...

than I mustve smelt like something else on saturday..

[Au Joinee Rory]

Agent Redlocks, on 10 Apr 2007, 09:59 PM, said:

oh...

than I mustve smelt like something else on saturday..

I dare say you did, especially with the lack of shower!

This post has been edited by Joinee Rory: 10 April 2007 - 09:04 PM

[HRH Gold Joinee Sheli]

I meant FOODSTUFF!



And I did shower actually

[GJ Drought]

FEET!!!!

SORRY!

[Au Joinee Rory]

Feet are a foodstuff now?

[HRH Gold Joinee Sheli]

he's got you there...

[GJ Drought]

clearly you've never been to singapore!

[HRH Gold Joinee Sheli]

*crosses Singapore off the list of places I wanna go*

[Au Joinee Rory]

I have actually. For all of 30 minutes. All I saw was a Subway. I saw some foot-long subs, but as far as I could see they didn't have actual feet in them.

[GJ Drought]

had you gone to mc'donalds however!!




actually... pretty much ANY mcdonalds!

[Hebba Homemaker]

Gold Joinee Mhairi, on 10 Apr 2007, 02:03 PM, said:

Hebs, this is what happened in the car park:
Woman on car park ticket booth telecom to man in car stuck behind barrier: "is it stuck in the machine sir?"

Me: "look, i tried thinking about my gran, but it won't go down, i can't help it, i see a slot, i have to stick it in, it's a compulsion"

Heather: *stops car in middle of car park* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

*falls over laughing*

*Dies*

It was your 'machine' voice! You could so do sexlines!

[Mr Phil]

Agent Redlocks, on 10 Apr 2007, 09:45 PM, said:

OO

being told by amanda and phil hatchard and someone else.. That my arm and shoulder smelled like mini-eggs, and my forehead smelled like parma violets

then the next day amanda telling me my hair smelled like fruit loops!

I cant remember my reaction..

Your forearms smelt of parma violets, and the rest of you smelt of mini eggs.

Reminded me of a quote from Joezilla talking to someone in the Cock some time ago (or may even have been at K4):

"Would you like some Parma Violets?"

"What are they? They're purple."

"Yes, they *look* like purple, but they taste of blue."

It was so true.

[Keen Joinee (GTJ)]

Whilst in the ladies toilets at The Cookie Club,

Helen: A man has just walked out of the ladies toilet
Me: No i haven't i'm here
Helen: Eh? A man has just walked out of that cubical there
Me: No Helen really i haven't, i'm here, you're talking to me
Helen: A MAN, you know, not a woman
Me: Ah, a man you say, not Aman-da? i think my ears may have become very drunk

[Fab Loud SMJ YDMFreshmaker]

"Ahh... You can't saty mad at Biddle, he's like a monkey..."

[Silver SV Joinee Jo]

Fab Loud S J YDMFreshmaker, on 13 Apr 2007, 05:35 PM, said:

"Ahh... You can't saty mad at Biddle, he's like a monkey..."

Surprisingly that wasn't me
Who was it?

[Pud]

keen Joinee, on 13 Apr 2007, 12:05 PM, said:

Whilst in the ladies toilets at The Cookie Club,

Helen: A man has just walked out of the ladies toilet
Me: No i haven't i'm here
Helen: Eh? A man has just walked out of that cubical there
Me: No Helen really i haven't, i'm here, you're talking to me
Helen: A MAN, you know, not a woman
Me: Ah, a man you say, not Aman-da? i think my ears may have become very drunk

HAHAHAHAHA! Unsurprisingly I have no memory of that. I probably was too drunk to get the A Man = Amanda conection.

[Fab Loud SMJ YDMFreshmaker]

Souper Joinee Jo, on 13 Apr 2007, 06:12 PM, said:

Surprisingly that wasn't me
Who was it?

Rachel P. I believe.

[Joinee Parkin]

Fab Loud S J YDMFreshmaker, on 16 Apr 2007, 11:45 AM, said:

Rachel P. I believe.

Really? I don't remember. Odd, because I was sober.
I'll take your word for it!

[Joinee Sullivan (Sully)]

When my mate was a student in Birmingham Uni he had a friend who was a bit 'well to do' shall we say. She came into his room one day and asked "hi, can I borrow you fan heater'. 'You can't, it's broke' said my mate. 'Can't you just wear 2 pairs of knickers'? I said. My mate fell about laughing......she didn't. Oops.

I was booking a couple of nights at The Victoria Hotel at the bottom of Snowdon for my mates wedding. I spent a few minutes on the phone booking it and everything seems fine until I got the confirmation...for Mr Sutherland...not Sullivan.

I phoned back and had this conversation;

Girl; Hello, Victoria hotel.
Me; Hi, I have just recieved my confirmation of booking but I'm afraid you have my name wrong.
Girl; So, what is your name sir.
Me; Mr Sullivan.
Girl; And the date of arrival.
Me; (I said the date)
Girl; i'm sorry sir, but we have no booking for a Mr Sullivan on that date.
Me; Yes, I know, because you have the booking under Mr Sutherland.
Girl;Ah yes, Mr Sutherland. So what seems to be the problem.
Me; Well, as I said, you have it booked under Mr Sutherland but my name is Mr Sullivan. Can you change it and send me out an amended confirmation please?
Girl; (after a few seconds) Mr Sullivan you say.
Me; Yes, thats right.
Girl; (a few more seconds) Mmmm, I'm sorry sir but there is no booking for a Mr Sullivan only a Mr Sutherland.
Me; Yes, I know.
Girl; So, who are you then sir?
Me; Mr Sullivan
Girl; I'm sorry sir but I am very confused, I can't see a booking for you but I can do it now if you have a moment.
Me; Blimey, look, you seem like a nice girl but you are just not getting this. All I want you to do is change the name Sutherland to Sullivan and send me out a new confirmation.
Girl; I can't overtype someone elses booking sir.
Me; Look, can I speak to someone else please?
Girl; Just a moment
(The conversation went on a bitmore than that though).

Another woman came on the phone and sorted it in about 30 seconds. I thanked her and put the phone down.

My new confirmation came with the right name on and everything was sorted.

I told my mate this story on the way to the hotel to his amusement and when we arrived I approached the front desk.
My mate then shouted from behind me 'Keifer Sutherland'!!!

I loved it!!