[Gaz]

You'll have to supply your own chocolate, but otherwise it's the same idea! So without further ado, let's see what's behind door no. 1:

It's a guy eating a pineapple! Only he's eating it the proper way!

Mmmm!

Tune in tomorrow for door no. 2!

[Mr Phil]

Ooh! What about door number 2?! Open it early! Open it early!

[Gaz]

It's day 2 of what can only be described as a selection of links (so far!). So what's behind door No. 2? Why it's a splendid wintery scene featuring the ever-excellent White Ninja!

How could tomorrow top this? Probably quite easily!

This post has been edited by Gaz: 02 December 2008 - 09:03 AM

[Chairman 'Jamin]

Yay.

Though My calender had a King in it today.

He is an Elvis impersonator.

[GJ Hannah B-R]

I need to get an advent calendar! I kept looking at the two Ben 10 ones sitting there with door no.2 resolutely shut til the boys arrive later and getting jealous and twitchy.

They'll be cheap now that it's the 2nd

[Joinee Riggas]

Random question: is AdvUnt a typo, or am I missing some joke? Sorry if it's just a typo and I'm seen as being pedantic, it's more that I can't bear not knowing.

[Gaz]

It is deliberut.

[Mr Phil]

It'll be a deliberate typo, Ellie. For the advunt calendar is stupid, so it is spelt stupidly.






*Disclaimer: "stupid" ≠ "not good"

[Joinee Riggas]

Sir Phil, on 2 Dec 2008, 10:58 AM, said:

It'll be a deliberate typo, Ellie. For the advunt calendar is stupid, so it is spelt stupidly.






*Disclaimer: "stupid" ≠ "not good"

Ahhhhhhhhhh! I see. What really worries me is that I still had to read your post several times before I understood

[joinee Éli]

That guy has managed to almost make pineapple unappealing to me. Almost.

Yet it is quite a find Mr Gaz heyhey

This post has been edited by joinee Éli: 02 December 2008 - 03:45 PM

[Gaz]

Welcome to day 3, and a brief, festive musical interlude from that ever-reliable smorgasbord of happy, carefree songs, Country and/or Western!



And here's the words so you can have a good old xmas sing-along!

Please Daddy, don’t get drunk this Christmas
I don’t wanna see my Mumma cry
Please Daddy, don’t get drunk this Christmas
I don’t wanna see my Mumma cry

Just last year when I was only seven
And now I’m almost eight as you can see
You came home at a quarter past eleven
Fell down underneath our Christmas tree

Please Daddy, don’t get drunk this Christmas
I don’t wanna see my Mumma cry
Please Daddy, don’t get drunk this Christmas
I don’t wanna see my Mumma cry

Mumma smiled and looked outside the window
She told me son, you better go upstairs
Then you laughed and hollered Merry Christmas
I turned around and saw my Mumma’s tears

Please Daddy, don’t get drunk this Christmas
I don’t wanna see my Mumma cry
Please Daddy, don’t get drunk this Christmas
I don’t wanna see my Mumma cry
No, I don’t wanna see my Mumma cry.



Oh...oh dear. Well, there's always tomorrow!

[GJ Stevie G]

I have this song!

I like it.

[joinee Éli]

[Gaz]

Hooray, it's the 4th of Dec, so what's behind today's little door? Why, it's an almost perfectly square and near-flawlessly designed christmas x-word!


And here are the clues:

ACROSS:
1. "Oh mum, not socks for Christmas AGAIN!" (5, 3)
2. Traditional Christmas lunch? (4)
3. "Can I have some gin yet?" (2)
4. Popular nickname for Christmas stalwart, Cliff Richard (4)
5. "Can I have some gin NOW?" (2)
6. Ho ho Ho! Oh! (6, 9 - sort of)

DOWN
2. Traditional Christmas greeting! (2 up, then 4)
6. Present often exchanged in those joyous bags of fun that are Christmas soap operas (4)
7. He's what we always like to watch on Christmas Day(ish) (6, 3)
8. Traditional Glaswegian Christmas greeting (3, 3, 1)
9. "...but if the turkey is still in the fridge, what did we just eat that I cooked by mistake?" (3)
10. Oh look, some conveniently placed snowflakes! (1, 1, 1)

And for those who need them (probably everyone), here's the answers!
No peeking, now!

Come back tomorrow for some more top-grade rubbish!

This post has been edited by Gaz: 04 December 2008 - 01:53 PM

[Mr Phil]

Best. Door. Yet.

[Joinee Gwennan]

Amazing.

[GJ Hannah B-R]

Awesome.

[Janey]

Busy day at the office today darling?

[Joinee Riggas]

If this is day 4, what joys yet await us?!

[Gaz]

Janey, on 4 Dec 2008, 01:27 PM, said:

Busy day at the office today darling?

That took as long as it looks like it took!

[joinee Éli]

Gaz, on 4 Dec 2008, 03:52 PM, said:

That took as long as it looks like it took!

Aaaages, then! Such a work of art

Seriously, Gaz, you rule!

[Gaz]

It's day 5! And today, we have the delight of some happy christmas carols for you to print out and go round to your neighbours with for a nice sing song and a mulled pie or 3. But wait! Simply posting some dull old christmas carols would be worse than waking up to find Santa had died choking on a biscuit you'd left out for him, and an untended Rudolph had evacuated himself all over the lounge carpet and was treading it in with his hooves. No, for a bit of a twist, these fabulous carols have been on a little tour of the world via an online translator and back again. See if you can guess which language has reimagined them them!

Quote

Precipitating by snow,
In a horse open to sledge,
O' heu the fields we go,
Laughing all the manner,
Bells on lead cuts the tail l ring,
Making spirits luminous,
Which recreation it is laughter and to sing,
song sleighing d' This evening!

Ah, the bells of tinkling, bells of tinkling,
tinkle all the manner,
Ah, what a recreation it is to go up,
In a horse on a the sledge,
Bells of tinkling, bells of tinkling,
Tinkle all the manner,
Ah, what a recreation it is to go up,
In a horse on a the sledge!

And there's more!

Quote

However Wenceslas good king
when the snow which was seen with banquet of [suteibun] puts in
approximately area was deep,
it made the [pa] [ri] [tsu] and the frost cruel,
when the pauper who illuminates that night month
brightly vision entering his master gathering the fuel of the winter;

As for step him of ass position of the snow somewhere dinted
as for the heat which was stepped on whether just the saint who is in lawn area printed
which therefore, the person of Christianity smells secure wealth or and current pauper you yourself
who are possession you find
Ye which appreciate god touching you

Er...festive indeed, as there's nothing more xmassy than god unexpectedly touching you (just ask Mary). Anyway, just one more for the road:

Quote

We desire the Happy Christmas to it;
We desire the Happy Christmas to it;
We desire to it to the Happy Christmas and one year new happy!

Good notice that we bring you and its king;
Good notice per the Christmas and one year new, happy.
Oh, brings us a pudding, figgy;
Oh, brings us a pudding, figgy;
Oh, brings us a pudding, figgy and a cup of the excellent compliment.

We won't goes until we come some;
We won't goes until we come some;
We won't goes until we come some,
as soon as bring some for we are here.

We desire the Happy Christmas to it;
We desire the Happy Christmas to it;
We desire to it to the Happy Christmas and one year new, happy!

Well I'm sure none of us will be going until we've come some this Christmas either, no doubt ringing our bells of tinkling all the manner as we go. Come back tomorrow for day six of an idea I probably should have thought through more before I started!

[joinee danni]

hehe fabulous

[Gaz]

Oh good gravy, it's been THREE days since an update because of various London-based activities, so here's a bumper crop of...crops to get us bang up to the nail that is December 8th!

First off, it wouldn't be xmas without an xmas-style musical record from the hit parade. And I think you'll agree this is much better than anything that Pop Idol can excrete!

...of course when I say "better" what I mean is "disturbing", but it's much the same thing!

Next, it's always the case that you'll be sat at work and someone you kind of know but don't like that much - maybe the office idiot, who's forever wearing novelty ties and telling people how much he loves those "crazy" fruit corner yoghurts - gives you a card. What to do? You can't not give them a card, as then they'll be better than you and you'll have to live with the shame forever. Fear not! Now you'll always have this backup card to print out and hand over at a moment's notice:

Sorry the tree is orange - my green highligher has run out. But you can always try and convince the recipient they've gone colourblind.

And lastly, here's a mini christmas adventure for you - no cheating now!

Quote

**** ARSESOFT © 1988 ****


The amazing christmas adventures of randolph the blue-nosed reindeer!


+++ NOW LOADING : PRESS PLAY ON TAPE +++


You are in a clearing in a wood in Lapland. Santa is nearby, bent over and grunting near a large sack. You can see other reindeer milling about. It is Christmas eve and Santa will be leaving soon to go on his deliveries. There are exits to the North, West, East.

Do you:

go north?

Spoiler

You go north, and end up at the north pole. It's very cold here and you die from hypothermia, and also scurvy as no citrus fruit grows in the area.

GAME OVER - PLAY AGAIN?

Go west?

Spoiler

Life is peaceful here. So peaceful, that you die of boredom.

GAME OVER - PLAY AGAIN?

Go east?

Spoiler

You go east and end up in India. It's nice for a while, but after buying some cheap dhal from a dubious street vendor you develop dysentery and die. Also you have scurvy, as although citrus fruit grows in the area you've forgotten to eat any for weeks.

GAME OVER - PLAY AGAIN?

GET SANTA

Spoiler

I cannot GET SANTA. Also: you've just fallen down a well and died. From ...er... scurvy, probably.

GAME OVER - PLAY AGAIN?

EXAMINE SANTA

Spoiler

You examine Santa - wait, that's not Santa, it's celebrity chef Anthony Worrall-Thompson trying to steal all the toys with his magic tongs! You shoot him in the neck and he dies, and then Santa bursts from inside his stomach - Wozza had eaten him to keep him quiet!

"Ha Harrr, Me Hearties! Thanks, Randolph, you've saved Christmas!". Santa gives you the best present of all - a lemon to ward off scurvy!

GAME OVER - PLAY AGAIN?

Was is das? Das ist the end for today! More tomorrow, Christ-fans!

[Siobhán]

I love that game!
Awesome

[Del aka TrainMan]

I seriously wonder about what goes on in Gaz's mind...

[Gaz]

Well it was either this or start Monday morning off editing a long review of current bowel cancer treatments!

[GJ Stevie G]

Praise be to the advunt calender

[Chez & Danger]

I went East....

[Mr Phil]

I wish I'd put that song on my K6 mix CD.

[Gaz]

It's Day 9 of Advunt, and today it's replacement cracker joke day! Just slip these babies in instead of the dreadful regular jokes, and watch the faces of your friends and family light up like hot methane! There are usually 12 crackers in a box, so here are 12 replacements - if you need more, just swap the punchlines around!

1.
Old man: Doctor, Doctor, I...I think you've given me the wrong drugs and I might die!
Doctor H. Shipman: Hooray!

2.
Q. Knock knock!
A. Please come back later, I'm in the toilet and I've got dysentery and...oh, oh god, it's going up the walls!
Q. Er...Bye.

3.
Q. Why did the cannibal spit out the clown?
A. Because no one likes clowns, man.

4.
Q. Why do snakes slither?
A. Because they don't know the words!

5.
Q. Where's the best place on earth?
A. Have you got any biscuits? If so, your house. If not, probably the local newsagents because he's a pretty fun guy! Also, he sells biscuits.

6.
Q. How many people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. You can never change a lightbulb.

7.
Q. Knock knock!
A. Hey, I've got a doorbell - why didn't you use it?
Q. Oh, Ok...Ding Dong!
A. Why did you do that? I'm already here!
Q. D...Doctor who?
A. Shut up.

8.
Man: Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains!
Doctor: That's the least of your problems, sir, because you also have ebola.

9.
Q. How does a moulded fruit-flavoured dessert answer the phone?
A. Jell-o!

10.
Q. Why was Lion-O sad?
A. Because he realised that Thundercats was pretty awful really. And Panthro stepped on his quiche.

11.
Q. Why is your mum crying?
A. Because your dad is Boss Hogg!

12.
Q. Why does Superman wear his pants outside his trousers?
A. He's a pervert!

Another day tomorrow. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmnnnhhhhhhhhhhhhhhnnnnnnnnnnmmmmm!

[GJ Hannah B-R]

Amazing.

[GJ Stevie G]

I think no.1 is my favourite joke I've heard for a while.

[Poohbah (Gsq)]

This one:

Q. Knock knock!
A. Hey, I've got a doorbell - why didn't you use it?
Q. Oh, Ok...Ding Dong!
A. Why did you do that? I'm already here!
Q. D...Doctor who?
A. Shut up.

.. made me laugh for an exceedingly long time.

[GJ Michelle P]

THIS is the best part of the holiday season!

[Gaz]

Ten sodding days I've been doing this now - you'd be amazed how little there actually is on the internet to plagiarise. Anyway, welcome to day 10! Today, we're going to get some tips on how to make a delicious traditional xmas treat from top tv celebrity chef and failed football manager of Mustard United, Delilah Smyth. Take it away, delila! (Please)



Delila's traditional Christmas mink pies!

Bo! I will always remember my mother's and my grandmother's cooling trays piled high with freshly baked mink pies on Christmas Eve, ready to be packed into tins and brought out whenever friends popped in for Christmas drinks - we used to throw the pies at the scrounging bastards who were after our precious, precious booze. The following is the traditional family recipe, which was originally written by Jesus in about 120 BC (Before Cake).

Ingrediunts:
1.75 lb (560 g) mink meat (you can get this at your local unethical butcher's shop, or bludgeon your own if you prefer)
12 oz (350 g) plain flour (or dust)
3 oz (75 g) lard, or swarfega
3 oz (75 g) butter, or more lard (or swarfega)
pinch of salt
punch of pepper
grevious bodily harm of baking powder

For the topping:
a little milk, a little bit more…no not that much, you’ve ruined it.
icing sugar

Pre-heat the oven to 48 Kelvin (Gas mark -7).

You will also need one (or two, or just the same one twice) trays of 2.5 inch (6 cm) patty tins, one fluted 3 inch (7.5 cm) pastry cutter and one 2.5 inch (6 cm) oboed pastry cutter. Or you could just use whatever is lying about, like old lager cans, bean tins, hub caps or a discarded crab carapace.

Make up the pastry by sifting the flour and salt into a mixing bowl (I like to use my husbands hat for the personal touch. Also, I hate him.) and rubbing the fats into it until the mixture resembles fine crumbs. If your mixture resembles lousy crumbs, that’s probably ok too. Amputees may want to get a friend to do this bit, as it’s hard to get the consistency right when you’re rubbing with an iron claw.

Then, add just enough cold water (or gin) to mix to a dough that leaves the bowl clean. By which I mean the toilet bowl, of course. Leave the pastry to rest in a polythene bag in the refrigerator for 20-30 minutes, and have a rest yourself and a couple of scotches. Then, roll half of it out as thinly as possible – I aim for 1 atom thick, but if you’re a cack-handed amateur chef as opposed to a professional of 98 years like me, 2 atoms thick will be ok – and cut it into two dozen (that’s 14) 3 inch (7.5 cm, or 0.25 furlongs) rounds, gathering up the scraps and re-rolling until you’re too bored to continue. Then do the same with the other half of the pastry, this time using the 2.5 inch (6 cm, or about 0.001 fathoms) cutter.

Now grease the patty tins lightly – you can use your lank, awful hair for this – and line them with the larger rounds. Fill these with mink meat to the level of the edges of the pastry. If you add too much, don’t worry – just glue more pastry on until you get an even level and then top up with meat, addimg more pastry if you go over again. This *can* lead to pies being over 6 feet tall, but this should be no problem as long as you have a walk-in oven (or a very hot wardrobe). Dampen the edges of the smaller rounds of pastry with water (or spit) and press them lightly into position to form lids, sealing the edges with a staple gun. Brush each one with milk (or sweat if a cow is unavailable – I prefer brow sweat as it’s untainted by antiperspirants) and make three snips in the tops with a pair of scissors, or you can use a gun if you prefer. Bake near the top of the oven for 25-30 metres until a light golden black. Cool on a wire tray and sprinkle with cocaine for that extra buzz. When cool, store in an airtight national theatre, such as the Gielgud.

Enjoy!

[Mr Phil]

Gaz, on 10 Dec 2008, 10:08 AM, said:

For the topping:
a little milk, a little bit more…no not that much, you’ve ruined it.

This bit's my favourite.

[Gaz]

Oh my lord no, we're not finished yet! Welcome to day 11 of advunt. Well there's only 2 weeks left to xmas now, so not much shopping time and you've probably still got to get a lot of presents for friends, family, local mob enforcers and the town mayor. Let's face it, with a memory like yours you're BOUND to forget someone. You idiot.

Fear not though, because today we bring you the first in our occasional range of emergency present kits! Today, we have that standard of the xmas gift range, the undergarment. Simply print these off, blow up to the correct size (that's blow up as in "enlarge", not "semtex"), glue, staple or (if you're feeling kinky) lash together at the seams with a bootlace and hey presto, a cracking pair of undercrackers fit for any social occasion.

Part 1:

...a note of warning to the chaps - watch out for paper cuts on your "gentleman's gentleman" when taking a sneaky widdle!

Part 2:

(with optional "easy clean" back flap for little Johnny who's in potty training, Grandad Johnny who can't be arsed getting up to go to the toilet anymore, and drunken Johnny who's prone to a few occasional errors after 16 pints of wife beater and a second-hand kebab he found under a cat in the street)

And finally we all know that some hip and trendy type folk aren't happy unless their trousers are essentially round their ankles so you can see their waistbands and marvel in their choice of pant manufacturee. So here are a few stick-on extras to "bling up" your new wares, and of course a conversion kit with frills and a pretty picture for the front to change these most manly of clothes into a feminine delight for the ladies!*

*"ladies" with winkies are of course perfectly at liberty to retain the wee slot.

Just one word of warning: if you're giving these to someone known for their heavy sweating or who often loiters about half-submerged (specifically, the lower half) you may want to laminate them first, as no one wants their pants dissolving on them. Well, apart from possibly a Frenchman in a brothel during a half-price sale.

Anyway, happy wearing and we'll see you tomorrow!

[GJ Michelle P]

Oh dear. Laughing with tears streaming!

[Joinee Parkin]

This deserves an award! Just too funny!

[GJ Michelle P]

SRJ Parkin, on 11 Dec 2008, 03:50 PM, said:

This deserves an award! Just too funny!

Forum awards are coming up; doesn't it usually have "favorite thread" or something?

[joinee Éli]

heheheheheheheheheehe

[Gaz]

GJ Michelle P, on 11 Dec 2008, 10:15 PM, said:

Forum awards are coming up; doesn't it usually have "favorite thread" or something?

If there's a "Most interesting use of online photo sharing site" award, it's a shoe-in!

[Gaz]

It's the 12th of Dec, which is almost halfway through. Thank Santy for that!

Today I'm taking the day off because I've just lugged the cat to the vet and my arms are killing me. But fear not, I'm not leaving you empty-eyed for the day! So for your terrified amusement, I present:

The 10 worst family Christmas cards ever

My personal favourite features Harley, the melancholy dog. Poor Harley, and his mad, mad owners.

See you tomorrow!

[GJ Stevie G]

The first two are sort of beyond explanation.

Why has the guy got a best dad jumper with a picture of his dog's face on, and why has an entire family turned into some (quite frankly scary) cats?

[Gaz]

What scares me is the three ghost children that appear to be haunting the "A" team. And if they're the A team, I dread to think what the B team are like!

[GJ Hannah B-R]

I like the ones in princess frocks.

[Mr Phil]

So do I.

[GJ Stevie G]

Actually, I spot a Hatchard doppleganger in there. Well, if you still had your beard, but still.

[joinee danni]

The princess frock one is my favourite too, although it does look like the mam is trying to snap the little boys neck?!